This is a question asked of a panel at church. People who are in ministry or not. Each one shared how they try to share the love of God to others in their lives. We were encouraged to think about how we love and to love our neighbors as ourselves and in so doing fulfill the law of love found in the Bible.
It has been almost ten years to the day; May 31st when my Mother died. My mom and dad had always been there for me and they both died within 3 months of each other. My mom especially had been a rock in my life. As a military family, we were close. We didn’t have the luxury of friendships that lasted throughout childhood. We had each other. This caused me to be very dependent on the friendship of my mother. I had friends, but she was always the one I looked to for wisdom for life’s problems. She was the person with whom, I wanted to share the good, the bad and the ugly things of my life. God gave me a year to prepare myself for her loss. She had pancreatic cancer and usually people who hear they have that die within 6 months, but she lasted a year. She had given so much to all of us. To my Dad, me, my brothers, grandchildren, the community she lived in. She and my dad were both involved in education and in so doing they gave even more of themselves. In her later life, she worked as a teacher’s assistant, while my dad worked as a bus driver for years after he retired from the Air Force. Even after my mom was beginning chemotherapy, she would go to the elementary school and volunteer to read stories to the kids.
These people were my examples of parental love and the love of God. When I lost them I examined my life in a way I have never done before. Richard and I had tried to be involved in formal ministry throughout our married life. We counseled for Operation Blessing with the 700 club in Tulsa, we did Christian clowning, we tried to plant a church at Lake of the Ozarks, and we joined Sonshine Ministries, a counseling ministry. We applied to be house parents at a crises center but were not chosen. (We did work as a respite for those who were chosen.) We looked into joining YWAM and other ministries that were evangelistic in nature, but we couldn’t seem to make anything work as we were raising our children. We both felt God had a calling on our lives, but we came to realize that our calling was much like the calling of my parents; loving, mentoring, and guiding our own children. When I lost my parents my time for raising children was over. It became a transitional time for me in many ways.
After losing my parents, I was laid off from a job as a graphic artist and had been substitute teaching. I liked being a graphic artist. I’m an introvert and was very fulfilled working with artwork in my cubical; while listening to music. But the loss of them and my job, made me reconsider everything. How could I go on working in a place where I never made any kind of difference in the lives of others? How could I live the rest of my life without honoring what I had been given in life? I knew because of Richard’s past how blessed I had been and I could no longer excuse myself from doing what was comfortable. I felt a real NEED to show the love I had been shown by God and my parents.
This calling is not something I took lightly. I took it to prayer because a change of career at this point would take at least two years of additional college. I had just completed a bachelor’s degree in advertising and writing. I spent some time in prayer because I knew I wanted to be more for God than what I was currently doing. I wanted to do something that would make a difference in the lives of others. This is when I decided to go into teaching. I knew there were so many kids that did not have the luxury of parents like I had. I would have to get a Master’s degree to be able to teach. It would be more expense and a big time commitment. I wanted to be there for those who did not have someone in their corner. I felt like this was the way that God would have me love.
This has not been an easy journey for me. I have had to rely on God in a way I had never done before. Not only because my best friend had died, but because I was putting myself in a position that was so out of my skillset. I taught Special Ed for four years then the 2015-16 school year was the most difficult of my life. I was not certain I would be able to stay in teaching even though I had been doing it for 5 years. I ended up in the hospital with heart problems. I believe it was due to the stress of the school year. I don’t believe I had been relying on God the way I should have been. I tried to change jobs, but in so doing I put myself in God’s hands. Putting yourself in God’s hands can be equally terrible and awesome at the same time. Though I had a very difficult year, God did not see fit to move me. I thought if God was going to keep me in the position I was in, it must be for a reason. I humbled myself and took extra training. I made apologies. I did the work I needed to do and tried to learn what God wanted me to. I participated in a C.S. Lewis Bible study at church. It was awfully thick reading but there were some things in it that spoke to me in my situation. I feel like it and some of my training gave me the different mindset I needed. Last year was better. I had more students come to me for help and just to hang out and talk. Something must have changed in me to enable that to happen. Learning to love the way God wants us to love isn’t easy.
This year was totally different. I felt like I had learned things that gave me the tools I needed for success in the classroom. It has been difficult because God is putting me in places that have not been comfortable for me. But to live is Christ, right? To die daily may not be comfortable. And yet….I am blessed. From the last year of misery to this year, I’ve been given classes that will give me a chance to share in a setting that inspires me. I went from a year of defeat to a form of triumph in that I get to teach journalism, debate, and reading. It will mean more work, more learning, but it will also put me in a situation to share more with the students. This work of love is hard work. It’s not working to get God’s approval or even the approval of my parents. It is a work that is born out of thankfulness; gratefulness for what I have been given. I will never be able to love enough to repay what I have been given, but I want to leave behind something that will last longer than the artwork I had been doing in the cubical. That can only be done through how we interact with others. God is good.
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